Tag Archives: #humor

You Know You’re An American When…

…your car insurance is better than your health insurance (and you’d rather get into an accident than take a $1,000 ride in an ambulance)

…you had to learn about how politics really works from the Simpsons

…you are beyond grateful to have at least 3 teachers you actually learned from

…you are appalled and bewildered by the fact that there are people who spend anywhere from $6,000-$20,000 to become an American

…you knew how white privilege and racial inequality worked long before you knew there were terms for it

….the idea of actually standing there and waiting for food to be cooked actively pisses you off

…you went to bed knowing you were going to wake up weeping on November 7th regardless

…you can barely recite 1/4 of the amendments but are fluent in Spongebob, Simpsons and Family Guy quotes

…you learned everything you needed to know about religion from people different than you and memes

…you trust a meme to give you well-researched information on current events than you do your own newspaper or any of the Big 5 new media conglomerates

…you know or have personally lost someone to heroin/ opioid addiction at least 3 times this year alone

…you know well-versed in your local jail’s arbitrary visiting rules and regulations

…you don’t have a God but you have at least one celebrity you would fervently sell your soul just to meet

…(this is for the American ladies) you can’t trust any man twice your age and even the guys your own age you still gotta have make an escape-your-own-rape plan (just in case)

…you have to be in the mood for fruit but you’ll sit there and eat stale potato chip shards for breakfast

…you had to learn about the female orgasm from porn, how to jump start your car from YouTube and how to boil an egg from almost burning your house down


Comment below your own ‘You Know You’re American When…’!!!

Perverted Edgar Allan Poe Lines Taken Out Of Context

Who knew Edgar Allan Poe, the sad-alcoholic/ every Goth kid’s spiritual guru, could be so unintentionally dirty?


“Jupiter…rushed in leaped upon my shoulders, and loaded me with caresses; for I had shown him much attention during previous visits.” (The Gold-Bug)


“Oh, you would have laughed to see how cunningly I thrust it in! I moved it slowly—very, very slowly, so that I might not disturb the old man’s sleep. It took me an hour to place my whole head within the opening…” (The Tell-Tale Heart)


“I felt that I lay upon my back, unbound. I reached out my hand, and it fell heavily upon something damp and hard.” (The Pit and the Pendulum)


“‘Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!—Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!—Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!—Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!—Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!’”

“My poor friend found it impossible to reply for many minutes.” (The Cask of Amomtillado)