Literary Classics I Can’t Fucking Stand

  1. Anything by Jane Austen, although I will say I hate Sense& Sensibility marginally less than her other works. Mostly because of Colonel Brandon who I feel is the only interesting character she’s ever made (LOOKING AT YOU DRACY, YOU MILKTOAST JUDGMENTAL BITCH).
  2. The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde. Okay the book itself is great and Wilde’s witty as fuck but I HAVE NEVER HATED A FICTIONAL CHARACTER MORE THAN I HATE LORD HENRY. LORD HENRY YOU’RE SO LUCKY YOU AINT REAL. I’D THROW THESE BONY WHITE HANDS SO FAST.
  3. The Bridge Over Drina by Ivo Andric`–DON’T READ THIS BOOK IF YOU AREN’T PSYCHOLOGICALLY PREPARED TO GET READY ATTACHED TO A BRIDGE JUST FOR SAID BRIDGE TO BREAK YOUR HEART, LIKE YOU DON’T EVEN MATTER.
  4. Crime&Punishment by Dostoevsky–Sorry Dos, I love you but Raskolnikov was such a punk ass. He spends 6 chapters convincing himself to kill that old greedy bitch, just to kill her AND her innocent half-sister—JUST FOR HIM TO FEEL BAD ABOUT KILLING THE MEAN OLD WOMAN BUT NOT HER ABUSED MENTAL CHALLENGED HALF-SISTER? Weak.
  5. The Red Badge of Courage by Stephan Cane–I had to read this in high school and to this day I vehemently boycott the hell out of this hard to read, somehow impossibly boring war book. SERIOUSLY WHO MAKES WATCHING A GUY GET GUTTED BY A BAYONET BORING?!? -89,000 stars.
  6. The Red Pony by John Steinbeck–I will never forgive this book for that one time in the 4th grade when I accidentally poked myself in the eye with it’s hardcover corner. Plus, the book isn’t even about a pony. The fucking pony dies 20 pages in, if i remember correctly. I probably don’t though because you know that BOOK TRIED TO BLIND ME.
  7. The Hunchback of Norte Dame by Victor Hugo–you know it’s probably a sin for me to say this but I actually liked Disney’s film adaptation so much better than this book. In fact when I read this as an adult I was so disappointed at how different the plot is from the movie. Quasimodo’s not even the main character. It’s mostly about Frollo and how his brother keeps mooching off of him and how much of a pervert Phoebus is (spoiler: dude was married, tried fucking Esmeralda even though she’s 15-16 and he knew she was in love with her then tossed her ass to the side when she was accused of witchcraft and sentenced to death by the King). That and it’s just chapter after chapter of describing the fucking stain glass windows of the Norte Dame. Don’t get me wrong I read Les Miserables no problem and that book is twice the length of this one but at least Les Miserables didn’t talk about the cathedral’s parapets of stone for thirty fucking paragraphs.